A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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