Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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