After last night, I could never be a politician.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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