True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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