My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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