Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
