My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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