his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
