Having a random hookup so left but love u
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
