She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
