I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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