you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
