When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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