I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
