bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I have post one night stand depression
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
