Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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