Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
