so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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