You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
