I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
