Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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