I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
