Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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