I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
