I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize