Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
