apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
