guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
