Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize