Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
COCAINE IS GR8
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
