Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
