i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
