separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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