My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
