if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
