Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
