my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
