I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
