sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
