last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
