i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
