How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
