My room smells like vodka and shame
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
