Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
zippers are such a cool invention
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
