I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
