my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
