sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
