I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Everclear isn't food dammit
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
