I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
