The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
