you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
