I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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