Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
