see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
