Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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