it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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