just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize