Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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