Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
