I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
