I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
