That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
