I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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