I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
