you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
