i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just pee around me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
