we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
