she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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