and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
