I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
